Give you back your justice (Pt 2)

Eversince that day, he asked for my full name, i got abit awaken.

A remade Mangojo stepped back and take a look at the situation like an outsider. That helps alot.

Instead of blaming him and marriage, i could have been the worst cast in the whole situation. He is a victim of mine for years.

He could have ignore me but he din. Usually he is out on saturday full day but he came back to ensure food is delivered. He needs not do so. There is no obligation.

It was awkward for him but he still press on. Cos i teared with enduring the pain. he could feel even more disgusted when i refused to tell him what surgery i gone and he may also think that i am trying to use this to trap him back into marriae. But he din.

I salute him with total admiration. He is really a very nice guy, looking back all these years. He may not give me the love TLC but as a person wholesomely he is really great.

Guess i can face the divorce better becos it is really to give him back his freedom and let him find real happiness.

Perhap we should sign e doc asap instead of Jan. I like to see the relieve in his face. Long time no see the real happy him. I feel 心疼.

Only hope that my tears wont roll when we sign e document. Din wan him to feel e pain. He was in pain for too many years.

Did not know e real meanign of love while in marriage. I will not wan to ruin other ppl's life in future :)

love, pls forget me.
Hubby, pls forgive me.

Give you back your justice (Pt 1)

Had my surgery on friday, 15 Dec 2006.

Was quite an experience.

Got knock out and by e time i woke up, everything were done. Hmm.. wat did they do actually?

Did not feel quite right after getting back my senses. Was rather irritated by ward mate, who on the tv extremely loud. It was four bedders but actually only have two of us. So the stay should be quite acceptable. And Raffles Hospital really give patients feel like it is a hotel n nurses services were really professional and good. They assure you and give smile.

Hence i insist to discharge ASAP.

Quite surprising that my colleauges came to see me. One of them actually brought me home :) thanks, folks!!!!!

On way home, vomitted twice and chest was feeling very tight. Felt like there is water trap somewhere.

Hospital called me, e nurse was quite upset that i did not go back to await for appointment card and my MC. OOPS i din rem they say that. They asked me to go Biz Centre to pay up only. Anyway, had appointment with doc on 16 Dec morning.

Whole night was torture. Cannot breathe, alot of flam in my throat but cos i cannot breathe too deep, dare not cough. Every squeeze or cough create this 'torn up' pain at chest.

On 16 Dec morning, hubby (goin-to-be Ex) decided to drive me to and fro the hospital. He was shocked of my medical bills. I am too. Cos i thought follow up will be included in the costings. Total about $7K. (so folks, if you dun get presents from me, you know y... cos still thinking of how to clear my credit card bills).

I want to give back justice to my Ex-to-be. He is hard hearted to want to proceed with divorce without blinkin of eyes. But he is equally nice to help me. Especially in afternoon, thick skinned me sms him to help me buy dinner cos i couldnt really walk. He let me sleep and got me my dinner. Heart warming dinner if he din know.

Eversince that day...

Remaking Mangojo

Mango seem not so nice name... Man Go.. should i change my nick?

But i wan the fruitty fruitty mango

Told my GRL and my colleagues that today is saddest n most insulting moment when he asked for my full name. Really feel like dying.. no joke.

No courage, useless me.

So i gotta to carry on living. Wonder is my soul dead or my heart dead... suddenly i dun find myself crying today aft that moment of urge to die.

In fact now thinking of how to face ppl when eventually this spreads ard.. labelled as 'failure', 'lousy', 'indeed the man made e wise choice', 'rejected goods, 'ugly', 'sth wrong''????

How can i do to combat all these and have a little dignity back?

I admit my failure n being lousiest. However to live on, i still need some dignity to lift my legs up and step forward every morning.

Asked my colleagues to sponsor me a drinking session on the dayy of signing agreement.

The next day i shall start a 3 day vegetarian diet. Need to do sth to make myself atone for all the sins i have made throughout these 9 yrs. I know that no matter how much i wan to remorse, i can never return hubby his youth n other oppt n to clear my tortures given to him. But let me do sth can? 3 days to wipe out memories.

Ok, friends, i need some more courage to let me go back on driving training school. Has lost that faith that i can do it. Friends, pls help, give me more encouragement

I need to be reborn

Failure

Perhap i have been over rating myself.

He and me really have alot of disparities. Imagine for years we go out, ppl will take him as superior cos he has this ang mo look.....

His friends say i got myself a good deal...

So i was quite 不知量力

Being strong headed i refuse to think that way.

But today finally reality crush head to head on me. He rang me and asked for my full name. He din even know my full name.. din know or have never bother to know? Not that he has been calling me darling , but he has always not been calling me name. SOmehow we communicated jus like that. Amazing isnt it?

Wat to do??? got to admit failure.

A moment of feelin to die, but no courage eventually.

If no courage to die, i got to carry on living.

Admit failure, remain shameful and reborn

two conflicting thoughts

Had a few sms from my bro bear.. kind soul that is concern abt me.
Had one sms from my ex classmate cum colleague
N few other beeps from friends

all worry abt me, aft hearing my plight

No worry lah, i still breathinjg

Came back hm aft a drink with my bro bear

Saw alot of things clear n clean

Heart feel so heavy again

Then he came to me askin about some details.

Din wan to talk much cos e preaching will start again. Went back rm aft bath

He came knocking on my door.

Tmr he is seeing a lawyer. He needs info so as to process the doc.

The hse can costs him easily $100k.

But he is willing to make himself bankrupt in order to break free from me.

Told me i m covered till old age even if i dun remarried again.

That i be assured he will help me buy back e flat. N e car as a gift

GOSH, how should i behave this moment? how should i feel?

It is dark in my room, tears roll continuously but i noe he cannot see. I replied back as matter of facts becos i got to feel gratitude toward him. How to cry again n make him worry?

He is doing all he can, even beyong his means to ensure safety net spread for me............. but somehow being devil, i also cant help to feel v sad n down n heartbroke that he jus cant wait to get rid of me, even if it costs all his fortune n get himself badly in debt

i m that scarey?

m not ok, feel like stopping all breathing

How i wish

Awoken from a bad nitemare

Dreamt that eventually he was jus joking, pullin my legs n everything back to fine

Shit, wat kind of dream.

E moment come back to reality, eyes open, it jus pull apart my heart.

Jus last nite, someone msn said i m silly n idiot

save me........

Peppermint essential oils

trying to use tis for good sleep

gettin tire but jus cant zzz

dark circle getting more cloudy

I guess i can be a good catch by commercial companies

A awaiting divorce woman with no confidence, alot of beauty aliments like dark circle


Some products being offered to use, gain back confidence n move on life

wat abt that?

any co interested?

-__-

1000% interest in him to do one thing with me

Signing the divorce papers..

Impressive


So it will occur in Jan.

I guess his divorce (lady) cousin comes in handy for him...advising wat he should be doing.. Incidentally this is the lady that his auntie is tryin to hook them up even when i was with him... tat a great thing a person can do rite?

Now, i got to gather courage to tell my family abt this n askin them to move in, short notice

Ok, n i suppose to wear a big smile n go to the lawyer firm or family court to sign e doc together cos 'we are not those quarreling couple'. So we shall end our r'ship n marriage elegantly. If can, pls get a sponsor for me to get a gown as well? not wedding gown but a divorce gown.. guess time that some fashion designers look at such theme.

I c e relieve in his eyes.. i felt my throat got jammed up, n eyes watery again! useles me. so i kept drinking water n water n smile n smile.

One last wise words from him to me tonight .. 'u knw, one day, we will be happy with this decision'. No need that 'one day', this moment i see ur sparkle, Mr Lim.

No, no no hate u or angry with u.

Dun angry with me if u happen to read this.

I m a petty woman full of jealousy. N i write to pour all my feelings out because i dun tell my family my prob since young. Becos ppl expect to see my smile physically.. it doent look well tuned if i cry n smile and scream at same time.

I thank you for your kindest understanding, Mr Lim

Surprise X'mas Tree for office

Rather upset that there will be no Xmas Tree this year...

Then something sweet happended!

Was asleep in the office (openly at the sofa at our discussion area) today.. it is a sunday hence unlikely GRLs will come especially w/o event on. Was snoring away (i guess) then a call came n someone is coming to office.

Guess wat! one santa claus came with a x'mas tree.. newly bought somemore!!!!! Wow, a virgin tree heehee

So touch n happy.. my nagging n cryign for a tree finally got response heehee

N that is good enough .. we will add the toppings.. :)

N y did i zzz in the office? sleeping in another environment can be good therapy i guess

M i ok? still surviving

no worry no worry no worry

gonna to programme myself... 'no hope, no disappt'

"Quick Quick wake up, mango'!!

End of r'ship junction Pt 2

When i came out he tried to talk to me n i refused as i know he din like see me cry (that make him look like he is a villain). Again being nice does not pay cos he came to my room. Just outside my room he rattles on same thing.. tat is enough, he does not understand. I told him to let me tear, so i can move on.. he cannot agree ..... said i still wan to let misery continue in us. NO I DID NOT.... very afraid i will jus give way n turn berserk. Dun wan my life to be spent in IMH ... so i told him to let me tear n i be alright.. then suddenly hurling n yelling start again... all faults landed on me that i teared. I should know well enough it is good for us. Tat we have not been sleepin together for 2 yrs.... since i so unreasonable, then he should move out...

this moment, i gain abit of sane.. lost plenty of tears... when u lost tears, u suddenly c sth v clear.... did we not sleep together for 2 yrs? he move out now? O i c, he could be (a) wish that we can divorce immediately shoudl we can mutually claim that we are separated for e stated period of time (b) he wants to move out but cannot make e initiative as it may not look good on him?

Ok, at this point ppl will think i start to hate n accuse him. No, m sorry if this is wat is misread. Alway kena misunderstood by others. I dun blame him and pls.. if u r his friends, tell him.. my tears is not to attempt to force him to stay. I m a woman n one that have alway been easily teared... if i read sth simply warming, i roll tears it is jus that i dun show in front of u...

When a r'ship coming to an end... there is no more mercy.

End of r'ship junction Pt 1

now i know life
tonite he kept pressing me... creating the script n scene leading to his objectives.

I finally realise that when r'ship come to such stage.. there is no more mercy, love, feeling n humane.

Innocently walked into the house n was told to sit down n he started to rattle the same things he said e other nite. Puzzled enough as i have not said 'no'.

Being a woman and one that can roll tears easily on slight thing... my tears out. that started the whole trouble.

He cannot stand my tears n accuse me of tryin to be difficult by not working hard enough to understand that this is good for BOTH OF US. Did i really say no?

He wan me to laugh out loud loud loud whenever i back n said e decision is good?

Very puzzled n upset, especially when he din deny a third party existence. Yet continue to rattle on y n how i should react. He brushed aside e third party issue with so much loophole.

But i din blame or iintend to pursue n sue him adultery. No i din. N really it doesnt matter if tehre is a third party or not.. cos love died 1000% as far as he concern.

Went to bathe but decided to let go my tears so that i dun hold too many feelings as i felt piercing pain at my chest n heart.

End of r'ship junction Pt 3

Today i need to decide, shoudl i just drink up that bottle of shampoo in hope to end this life? should i pick myself up and ensure i grow too successful... should i jus give up life but still breathing..

I need to pick up e courage that he will pack n go. N even more courage to take in the fact that i m e one driving him away as wat was script.

No, i dun hate u... no i not tryin to accuse u.. maybe really u did it innocently n i read too much into it... m sorry if this is wat u actually think.

Nevertheless it wont be a surprise as this is wat separate us... we used to know each other but today , walking a 9 yrs journey, we both do not know n understand each other.. tat y marriage off

But pls, dun .... tat expectation is too great.. while i can understand it is good for BOTH OF US, let me roll my tears...

Electronic devices all haywire

O2 cant send sms, laptop cannot access own singnet wireless connection

Save me

i need help

R u ok

Jus now he asked me this question, again n again.

Haiz, y still ask me this qn.....

Ok, i said 'm ok', one time. He looked so worry and ask 'seriously, r u ok'.

Ha... wat u expect me to say? 'm ok v ok' is my standard reply

do u think he is wiling to hear that 'i m not ok, i feel like dying'? haaa , load of rubbish to him.

N y he kept askin like that when he wont wan to turn back... only spoil my eye mask cos tears rolling liao.. fancl u know! v expensive

haaaa m mad? but i m suppose to be materialistic lei

Anyway, jus now during bath, got some enlightenment.. haaaaaaa i dun dare to take roller coaster that y i m being put on emotional roller coaster? Perhap i should go take one ride n maybe maybe then i be spare fr emotional one... it is really bad bad n bad

life... four letter words

Very hungry now

Today no official work duties. Hence did not go back office.

Instead woke up too late n missed Doraemon :(

Then that was when my work started... house chores.

With or without marriage still need to do those irritating chores.

To think he always find i too lazy to clear up house. Which he will never know that it is not true. I jus hate the way he hound at me n our r'ship merely like master n maid.

Without him now, i picked up alot of chores to do today. He is not back yet.

Took out all my clothes in my only 1 wardobe. Discover i have forgotten quite alot of clothings.. some have never even being worn. These are packed into a big plastic bag, in hope to sell or donate out.

My back is aching now.. cos quite number of clothes must be handwashed. And i wonder if later i have the strength to mop floor and iron his clothes for him. Yes, i still will do for him (ok, for past months i din cos was angry and also not alot of time at home).

Hmm, until he move out, i guess i really wan to do many things for him.

He is so firmed but i still have some stupid thoughts of reversal.

Dumb Mangojo

Ok, McD meal here, alot of MSG to make mangojo more idiot.

haaaaa