Give you back your justice (Pt 2)

Eversince that day, he asked for my full name, i got abit awaken.

A remade Mangojo stepped back and take a look at the situation like an outsider. That helps alot.

Instead of blaming him and marriage, i could have been the worst cast in the whole situation. He is a victim of mine for years.

He could have ignore me but he din. Usually he is out on saturday full day but he came back to ensure food is delivered. He needs not do so. There is no obligation.

It was awkward for him but he still press on. Cos i teared with enduring the pain. he could feel even more disgusted when i refused to tell him what surgery i gone and he may also think that i am trying to use this to trap him back into marriae. But he din.

I salute him with total admiration. He is really a very nice guy, looking back all these years. He may not give me the love TLC but as a person wholesomely he is really great.

Guess i can face the divorce better becos it is really to give him back his freedom and let him find real happiness.

Perhap we should sign e doc asap instead of Jan. I like to see the relieve in his face. Long time no see the real happy him. I feel 心疼.

Only hope that my tears wont roll when we sign e document. Din wan him to feel e pain. He was in pain for too many years.

Did not know e real meanign of love while in marriage. I will not wan to ruin other ppl's life in future :)

love, pls forget me.
Hubby, pls forgive me.

Give you back your justice (Pt 1)

Had my surgery on friday, 15 Dec 2006.

Was quite an experience.

Got knock out and by e time i woke up, everything were done. Hmm.. wat did they do actually?

Did not feel quite right after getting back my senses. Was rather irritated by ward mate, who on the tv extremely loud. It was four bedders but actually only have two of us. So the stay should be quite acceptable. And Raffles Hospital really give patients feel like it is a hotel n nurses services were really professional and good. They assure you and give smile.

Hence i insist to discharge ASAP.

Quite surprising that my colleauges came to see me. One of them actually brought me home :) thanks, folks!!!!!

On way home, vomitted twice and chest was feeling very tight. Felt like there is water trap somewhere.

Hospital called me, e nurse was quite upset that i did not go back to await for appointment card and my MC. OOPS i din rem they say that. They asked me to go Biz Centre to pay up only. Anyway, had appointment with doc on 16 Dec morning.

Whole night was torture. Cannot breathe, alot of flam in my throat but cos i cannot breathe too deep, dare not cough. Every squeeze or cough create this 'torn up' pain at chest.

On 16 Dec morning, hubby (goin-to-be Ex) decided to drive me to and fro the hospital. He was shocked of my medical bills. I am too. Cos i thought follow up will be included in the costings. Total about $7K. (so folks, if you dun get presents from me, you know y... cos still thinking of how to clear my credit card bills).

I want to give back justice to my Ex-to-be. He is hard hearted to want to proceed with divorce without blinkin of eyes. But he is equally nice to help me. Especially in afternoon, thick skinned me sms him to help me buy dinner cos i couldnt really walk. He let me sleep and got me my dinner. Heart warming dinner if he din know.

Eversince that day...

Remaking Mangojo

Mango seem not so nice name... Man Go.. should i change my nick?

But i wan the fruitty fruitty mango

Told my GRL and my colleagues that today is saddest n most insulting moment when he asked for my full name. Really feel like dying.. no joke.

No courage, useless me.

So i gotta to carry on living. Wonder is my soul dead or my heart dead... suddenly i dun find myself crying today aft that moment of urge to die.

In fact now thinking of how to face ppl when eventually this spreads ard.. labelled as 'failure', 'lousy', 'indeed the man made e wise choice', 'rejected goods, 'ugly', 'sth wrong''????

How can i do to combat all these and have a little dignity back?

I admit my failure n being lousiest. However to live on, i still need some dignity to lift my legs up and step forward every morning.

Asked my colleagues to sponsor me a drinking session on the dayy of signing agreement.

The next day i shall start a 3 day vegetarian diet. Need to do sth to make myself atone for all the sins i have made throughout these 9 yrs. I know that no matter how much i wan to remorse, i can never return hubby his youth n other oppt n to clear my tortures given to him. But let me do sth can? 3 days to wipe out memories.

Ok, friends, i need some more courage to let me go back on driving training school. Has lost that faith that i can do it. Friends, pls help, give me more encouragement

I need to be reborn

Failure

Perhap i have been over rating myself.

He and me really have alot of disparities. Imagine for years we go out, ppl will take him as superior cos he has this ang mo look.....

His friends say i got myself a good deal...

So i was quite 不知量力

Being strong headed i refuse to think that way.

But today finally reality crush head to head on me. He rang me and asked for my full name. He din even know my full name.. din know or have never bother to know? Not that he has been calling me darling , but he has always not been calling me name. SOmehow we communicated jus like that. Amazing isnt it?

Wat to do??? got to admit failure.

A moment of feelin to die, but no courage eventually.

If no courage to die, i got to carry on living.

Admit failure, remain shameful and reborn

two conflicting thoughts

Had a few sms from my bro bear.. kind soul that is concern abt me.
Had one sms from my ex classmate cum colleague
N few other beeps from friends

all worry abt me, aft hearing my plight

No worry lah, i still breathinjg

Came back hm aft a drink with my bro bear

Saw alot of things clear n clean

Heart feel so heavy again

Then he came to me askin about some details.

Din wan to talk much cos e preaching will start again. Went back rm aft bath

He came knocking on my door.

Tmr he is seeing a lawyer. He needs info so as to process the doc.

The hse can costs him easily $100k.

But he is willing to make himself bankrupt in order to break free from me.

Told me i m covered till old age even if i dun remarried again.

That i be assured he will help me buy back e flat. N e car as a gift

GOSH, how should i behave this moment? how should i feel?

It is dark in my room, tears roll continuously but i noe he cannot see. I replied back as matter of facts becos i got to feel gratitude toward him. How to cry again n make him worry?

He is doing all he can, even beyong his means to ensure safety net spread for me............. but somehow being devil, i also cant help to feel v sad n down n heartbroke that he jus cant wait to get rid of me, even if it costs all his fortune n get himself badly in debt

i m that scarey?

m not ok, feel like stopping all breathing

How i wish

Awoken from a bad nitemare

Dreamt that eventually he was jus joking, pullin my legs n everything back to fine

Shit, wat kind of dream.

E moment come back to reality, eyes open, it jus pull apart my heart.

Jus last nite, someone msn said i m silly n idiot

save me........

Peppermint essential oils

trying to use tis for good sleep

gettin tire but jus cant zzz

dark circle getting more cloudy

I guess i can be a good catch by commercial companies

A awaiting divorce woman with no confidence, alot of beauty aliments like dark circle


Some products being offered to use, gain back confidence n move on life

wat abt that?

any co interested?

-__-

1000% interest in him to do one thing with me

Signing the divorce papers..

Impressive


So it will occur in Jan.

I guess his divorce (lady) cousin comes in handy for him...advising wat he should be doing.. Incidentally this is the lady that his auntie is tryin to hook them up even when i was with him... tat a great thing a person can do rite?

Now, i got to gather courage to tell my family abt this n askin them to move in, short notice

Ok, n i suppose to wear a big smile n go to the lawyer firm or family court to sign e doc together cos 'we are not those quarreling couple'. So we shall end our r'ship n marriage elegantly. If can, pls get a sponsor for me to get a gown as well? not wedding gown but a divorce gown.. guess time that some fashion designers look at such theme.

I c e relieve in his eyes.. i felt my throat got jammed up, n eyes watery again! useles me. so i kept drinking water n water n smile n smile.

One last wise words from him to me tonight .. 'u knw, one day, we will be happy with this decision'. No need that 'one day', this moment i see ur sparkle, Mr Lim.

No, no no hate u or angry with u.

Dun angry with me if u happen to read this.

I m a petty woman full of jealousy. N i write to pour all my feelings out because i dun tell my family my prob since young. Becos ppl expect to see my smile physically.. it doent look well tuned if i cry n smile and scream at same time.

I thank you for your kindest understanding, Mr Lim

Surprise X'mas Tree for office

Rather upset that there will be no Xmas Tree this year...

Then something sweet happended!

Was asleep in the office (openly at the sofa at our discussion area) today.. it is a sunday hence unlikely GRLs will come especially w/o event on. Was snoring away (i guess) then a call came n someone is coming to office.

Guess wat! one santa claus came with a x'mas tree.. newly bought somemore!!!!! Wow, a virgin tree heehee

So touch n happy.. my nagging n cryign for a tree finally got response heehee

N that is good enough .. we will add the toppings.. :)

N y did i zzz in the office? sleeping in another environment can be good therapy i guess

M i ok? still surviving

no worry no worry no worry

gonna to programme myself... 'no hope, no disappt'

"Quick Quick wake up, mango'!!

End of r'ship junction Pt 2

When i came out he tried to talk to me n i refused as i know he din like see me cry (that make him look like he is a villain). Again being nice does not pay cos he came to my room. Just outside my room he rattles on same thing.. tat is enough, he does not understand. I told him to let me tear, so i can move on.. he cannot agree ..... said i still wan to let misery continue in us. NO I DID NOT.... very afraid i will jus give way n turn berserk. Dun wan my life to be spent in IMH ... so i told him to let me tear n i be alright.. then suddenly hurling n yelling start again... all faults landed on me that i teared. I should know well enough it is good for us. Tat we have not been sleepin together for 2 yrs.... since i so unreasonable, then he should move out...

this moment, i gain abit of sane.. lost plenty of tears... when u lost tears, u suddenly c sth v clear.... did we not sleep together for 2 yrs? he move out now? O i c, he could be (a) wish that we can divorce immediately shoudl we can mutually claim that we are separated for e stated period of time (b) he wants to move out but cannot make e initiative as it may not look good on him?

Ok, at this point ppl will think i start to hate n accuse him. No, m sorry if this is wat is misread. Alway kena misunderstood by others. I dun blame him and pls.. if u r his friends, tell him.. my tears is not to attempt to force him to stay. I m a woman n one that have alway been easily teared... if i read sth simply warming, i roll tears it is jus that i dun show in front of u...

When a r'ship coming to an end... there is no more mercy.

End of r'ship junction Pt 1

now i know life
tonite he kept pressing me... creating the script n scene leading to his objectives.

I finally realise that when r'ship come to such stage.. there is no more mercy, love, feeling n humane.

Innocently walked into the house n was told to sit down n he started to rattle the same things he said e other nite. Puzzled enough as i have not said 'no'.

Being a woman and one that can roll tears easily on slight thing... my tears out. that started the whole trouble.

He cannot stand my tears n accuse me of tryin to be difficult by not working hard enough to understand that this is good for BOTH OF US. Did i really say no?

He wan me to laugh out loud loud loud whenever i back n said e decision is good?

Very puzzled n upset, especially when he din deny a third party existence. Yet continue to rattle on y n how i should react. He brushed aside e third party issue with so much loophole.

But i din blame or iintend to pursue n sue him adultery. No i din. N really it doesnt matter if tehre is a third party or not.. cos love died 1000% as far as he concern.

Went to bathe but decided to let go my tears so that i dun hold too many feelings as i felt piercing pain at my chest n heart.

End of r'ship junction Pt 3

Today i need to decide, shoudl i just drink up that bottle of shampoo in hope to end this life? should i pick myself up and ensure i grow too successful... should i jus give up life but still breathing..

I need to pick up e courage that he will pack n go. N even more courage to take in the fact that i m e one driving him away as wat was script.

No, i dun hate u... no i not tryin to accuse u.. maybe really u did it innocently n i read too much into it... m sorry if this is wat u actually think.

Nevertheless it wont be a surprise as this is wat separate us... we used to know each other but today , walking a 9 yrs journey, we both do not know n understand each other.. tat y marriage off

But pls, dun .... tat expectation is too great.. while i can understand it is good for BOTH OF US, let me roll my tears...

Electronic devices all haywire

O2 cant send sms, laptop cannot access own singnet wireless connection

Save me

i need help

R u ok

Jus now he asked me this question, again n again.

Haiz, y still ask me this qn.....

Ok, i said 'm ok', one time. He looked so worry and ask 'seriously, r u ok'.

Ha... wat u expect me to say? 'm ok v ok' is my standard reply

do u think he is wiling to hear that 'i m not ok, i feel like dying'? haaa , load of rubbish to him.

N y he kept askin like that when he wont wan to turn back... only spoil my eye mask cos tears rolling liao.. fancl u know! v expensive

haaaa m mad? but i m suppose to be materialistic lei

Anyway, jus now during bath, got some enlightenment.. haaaaaaa i dun dare to take roller coaster that y i m being put on emotional roller coaster? Perhap i should go take one ride n maybe maybe then i be spare fr emotional one... it is really bad bad n bad

life... four letter words

Very hungry now

Today no official work duties. Hence did not go back office.

Instead woke up too late n missed Doraemon :(

Then that was when my work started... house chores.

With or without marriage still need to do those irritating chores.

To think he always find i too lazy to clear up house. Which he will never know that it is not true. I jus hate the way he hound at me n our r'ship merely like master n maid.

Without him now, i picked up alot of chores to do today. He is not back yet.

Took out all my clothes in my only 1 wardobe. Discover i have forgotten quite alot of clothings.. some have never even being worn. These are packed into a big plastic bag, in hope to sell or donate out.

My back is aching now.. cos quite number of clothes must be handwashed. And i wonder if later i have the strength to mop floor and iron his clothes for him. Yes, i still will do for him (ok, for past months i din cos was angry and also not alot of time at home).

Hmm, until he move out, i guess i really wan to do many things for him.

He is so firmed but i still have some stupid thoughts of reversal.

Dumb Mangojo

Ok, McD meal here, alot of MSG to make mangojo more idiot.

haaaaa

Walkin Corpse

Some of the friends whom came to know my case, told me that i should not be affected. Anyway i did try to leave him before.

Yap, i thought i should have. But the problem is 'i did try' to leave him but came back because couldnt. N all the words he said to me askin for my return.

Those words ring but now with his other words for breaking away also ring. U know , they ring both messages together. Going berserk soon

Moaning for myself n e marriage. Tried to numb myself. So sometimes i jus gone blank, sometimes tears jus roll. Cannot concentrate on anything.

It will soon break all other part of my life, i know

When will i get back on my feet? only time can tell......

Really, today while i travel on train, asked myself. How come i did not say alot alot of things to try to salvage the situation. I only jus hear him n read which direction he want and went with the flow. Even acted that materials can simply 'compensate' me.

There are soooo many incidents and feelings wanna to tell him but i din. Was it cos of my pride? not really, he was soo persistent n wat i say will it help? maybe he will misread as being emotional blackmail.

Too many thoughts clouding....

Tat smile i have to maintain

e one correct thing i gave to him

E last n yet ironically the only correct thing i did for him is done for him tonite.

He came to me n initiated the same old talk. Wanted me to think of myself in 10-20 yrs, blah blah blah

He said alot. But said he has not decided.

Ultimately i know he just wan an assuring answer out from my mouth and one that can make his mind at ease. He said alot alot of things. It hurts deeper n deeper. N still he claimed yet to make up mind.

Tat smile he longs to see, i created it.

Wipe tears n Smile and tell him i also wanted us to part.

So i asked for the house and e car. He is so relieve. At least he can do sth for me? It hurts me but i feel happy that he is relieved. And whoever the one that has motivated him also can get a happy beginning. Ok, he said 'dun have'. Well, be it have or dun hav, tat is happy beginning for him.... oops jus he put it, it is also a good beginning for me. I got to grin.

No hatred. Just wan to numb myself.

For those who are worried for me, no worry. I will continue this (rocky) life journey.

My little wish remains, hope he will still in touch with me. But hope he wont show too fast with another hands locking his, in front of me.

Sorry, m not a saint. Still need time. But tat smile wont back off.

Lim, i love u... jus bear for this one last one

Goodbye to love n memories. I will forsake you all for happiness within

continue to hope Happiness will one day decide to befriend me.

C & J = a past tat should have ended 9 yrs ago
Tat missing wedding ring n e one u never bother to put on = CJ2000
My bday: 26 May
Our ROM: 27 May
His bday: 28 May
.... urgh.. n i earned 9yrs, GRINNN....

Sick

After dragging many days then finally drag my feet to see doctor. Scarey, 10 pax in front of me. N doc said all same signs like mine.

Ha.. maybe he should photocopy prescriptions so no need to write and write. stick onto patients' record will do!

;P

A joke that carries too far away

To stop all nonsense, the culprits r deleted. Temporarily or permanent yet to know.

Fate comes fate goes

Thanks

Kimchi Mangojo Won

Tmr nite flying off but my heart is still heavy on work matters.

So many things to do

Actually dun mind getting things done. M very task oriented but there are some implications that cloud my mind. Some idiots just like to ensure things dun happen the way they should.

GOSH, no matter how, got to let go for a while. I mean things are unpredictable. Perhap by the time i come back, there is a big change n my presence is no longer needed.

So as long as i do what i should during my stay, then there is no need to feel guilty or unjustice done.

As for preparing for tour, have not really read the itinerary by heart. Yet to pack and decide how much to prepare for the trip.

So Gemini

Miss mango? heeheeeheeeeheeeee

If life can be re-boot

This is my 'shout out' in my friendster account.

Been there for likely a month or two.

Surprisingly i have some ppl dropping messages to me in respond to this statement (or question?).

First one was quite a concern msg. He tried to comfort me and then now he is added in as a friend.

Couple of days ago, i got another one, using this headline to drop by to say hello.

Today i got one who recommended how to re-boot life. Read first time got abit nervous. Thought was suggesting i go n die n start new life ;)

So put this in as nick in my msn... haha....... guess more ppl will respond.

Quite interesting.

Really, tat wat i feel sometimes... i miss out many things n tries and pick up r'ships that eventually not meant for me. If life can be re-boot, many times i will pick up, two r'ships i will never take up :)

heeeeeeeeee

My worst is his Better

He is coming back tmr from China.

Sms-ed him if i have to move out or is there any change. I still need to mentally prepared (not really like wat many thought that i m very strong,actually).

He said, remain for now.

Should i be so selfish?

but i cannot bring myself to leave....

The song that says my inner feelings?

Ytd went to the PAYM concert, anticipating for SHE.

And yes, they sang that song (U can refer to my earlier blog, one that i put in the lyrics).

GOSH, lucky i din tear or too malu

Really tat how i feel many times

;)

Waking up too early on a PH

Goshi Goshi

I thought today is saturday and force myself to jump out of bed - to watch my little Doraemon

idiot

So then planned to go out early to shop shop but then had diahorea (again and again). So n ow is 1120am n i am still at home.

Later going KTV with Pui Sze. Then dinner with Wei Pei and Justin.

Me and Wei Pei now MSNing. We are planning to go for the PAYM Concert. We all know it is only SHE tat attracts us haaaaaa

Ok, we still trying to find invitatin cards as i presume it is better seat or at least stand in front?

Very funny, they invited CCC & CCMC Chairmen. But aint these ppl kinda either too 'old' for it or jus too high class for a pop concert?

Dun waste invitation card lah, come on, pass to me!

;P

Sign of Worry - Getting tooo toooo independence

Was quite pleased with myself yesterday.

Sunday, 22 Oct 2006

Had to attend a temple function at 10am. Hence planned to go for haircut, grabbed lunch n go for swim.

The schedule turned tight when the function ended like 1158am n my hair cut appointment was 12noon.

So good that a GRL offered to send me there. So i reached there about 1205pm.. whew not to late

Hair Cut at Twister (Hougang Mall)
Was attracted by the purplish atmosphere hence decided to go there and try. I like STORM at JP but it is too far to travel there. Sinc they are sisters, a try would be less risky.

Enjoy the fact that the sylist is also the one that washes hair. That is a great different from Jean Yip as they tend to get trainee to wash hair n many times very unpleasant experience.

The only irritating thing is that this stylist kept ask or psycho me to colour my hair. I thought i told him straight am not interested for time being. He just rattle off n i kind of find myself buildin castle in the air to ignore him.

The cut looks good back in saloon but then like today i find it too short and too flat. Dun think is the style prob, it is me who cannot recreate back the feel...

Bought a shampoo there too. Now wonder to go back and get the conditioner. I guess i will stop buying every brand laid on hands and go for what saloon used. Actually save alot more money. I have few bottles of half used shampoo n conditioners, which i bought from SASA or off the rack n now dun find them as good as the instructions indicated.

Lunch
Actually thought i be very late but the cut only costs me 1 hour so could even catch lunch at the foodcourt.

Swimming
Ok, i know the sequence is not rite, having done up hair and then go swimming. But gemini being gemini, i jus wan to do things unconventional haaa

Got a new instructor (again). Had a big sms fight with the agency. Very unprofessional of them. Nevermind. I told the agent that i jus wan to enjoy the learning and shall not pursue. But dun keep testing my patience. Learnt 1.5hrs :)

I think i will go for own practices liao

Suddenly a thought flood in.... i think i have grown so independence and at ease with self doing things alone and eating alone. U know everyone will get a chance to do thing alone. But the loneliness n uncertainty can be quite fearful. however i begin to enjoy the serenity and no need to see and feel for others. I do what i planned. No need to worry if it cannot fit the other party

As some of my colleagues or friends know, i have this philiosophy *let's not argue if this is rite or wrong yet* tat if a woman gets too independence, then no need for a man in her life liao.

hmmmmmm... could this be a temporary syptom or really thati have changed? Became him, he said for the 6 months i was away, he already get use to w/o me. Maybe this is wat he wan me to come to term with.

In case this is jus false impression, i shall test myself again... independence n happy ;)

cheers, Mango!

Missing Blogs

Past two days i created few entries but they were not posted.

Came to realised that it is because ibook is not 'compatible' with blogger program.

So pity. Alot of inside stories.. ;P

ok, shock n very pai sey - i wrote an entry n actually someone told me today he knew i was writing about him! alamak............

Do and Not Do

Tdy woke up earlier than anticipated, somemore w/o alarm aid.

No mood to go work. Too many things in mind to concentrate on work. And the 16.5 annual leave from last year give me quite good reason not to go office.

Last round i got forfeited 9days. And then what do i get in return? Struggling with management. So not very worthwhile.

Wanted to go for theory and practical lessons but somehow feel very tire to travel.

Such a letdown me..

Maybe i just do not like travelling back. Going out is ok, it is always the coming back that give me the loneliness n aimless feel.

So not achieving anything today i guess.

Waste leave and time and opportunity.

Felt guilty :(

* wanna to jot sth i felt so sweet but cannot reveal alot.. so it gonna be a maze :P
It was very sweet to be treated that way, like a princess. Not becos desperate but it happened to be someone i like alot. Controlled liking .. but life never perfect rite?

Haze n Daze

Not a good day..

Woke up at 4am and by the time 6+ fell asleep, the next moment i found myself woke up late for my work appointment.

Haiz.. quite piss... kinda of book cab to rush down but the other party was late. But i m paid staff so cannot say anything.

Then suppose to go for the trial theory test. In the end forsake and forgo that $5+. Haze & Daze.

Intend to go home after getting necessities from Compass Point but end up binging on Jnr Carls at Marina Sq.

Quite satisfy as i bought Fancl eye mask and facial mask. But now (after tryin to apply) very unhappy. The salesgal did not really bother to explain in details on how to use it. And the instructions all in Jap! Idiot, now thinkin of writign sth to complain against the counter gal.

O dear, i have stopped driving for 1 week and now like cannot rem how to do S n Crank Curves, Reverse direction and vertical parking. Wonder tmr if i request instructor to teach again, will he/she take me as alien...

Me is always like that.. can rem word by word but when come to hands on, gosh. Frantically searchin on the theory book but they all reflecting on manual car.. another piss me off thing ;P

I hope i can wake up on time tmr. And hope not so hazey. I like hazel nuts but not haze. Cant breathe well n super worry for my little bro.

Tmr after driving will have to rem to grab necessities from watson. Then take lunch and buy some snacks becos gotten attend a wedding dinner and usually not to early, got to wait and wait.

Recently spent too much. I think my bank a/c cannot tahan liao.. gosh.. turn old, being desserted can really make one imbalance

i wish to get more courage and go temple to pray. but i really scare to make that move. I have really let down Buddha with all my wrongdoings.

我搞不懂我们到底怎么了

落泪以前再看一眼
你模糊侧脸
这会不会是最后纪念
我凝视你而你凝视
窗外的阴天
一句抱歉都僵在嘴边
我搞不懂
我们到底怎么了
诚实的背后
是否
住着伤口
我想不透
我们的爱怎么了
雨下过以后
是否
能让什么
复活

你的笑脸还在胸前
晃动着昨天
为何回忆会让人晕血
如果我们继续向前走进雨里面
会不会有溶解的危险
我搞不懂
我们到底怎么了
诚实的背后
是否住着伤口
我想不透
我们的爱怎么了
雨下过以后
是否
能让什么
复活

明明从前
连真挚都很甜美
现在怎会
说句话就能肿一边
我搞不懂
我们到底怎么了
诚实的背后
是否
住着伤口
我想不透
我们的爱怎么了
雨下过以后
是否
能让什么
复活

亲爱的陌生人

今年忘了约你去看入眠
认识你的第六年夏天
感觉本来就是微妙又爱恋
而时间却容易生倦
我们之间越来越遥远
最近天空总是蓝蓝灰灰
提不起劲的浪漫要怪谁
习惯是对生活的一种妥协
而时间却让我学会
难过时关上门一个人流眼泪
就让爱回温
我说亲爱的陌生人
这一段旅程
是我们回忆的重温
一个淳朴小镇
两个小小恋人
关不住青春
爱自由的眼神
一个吻一个永恒
坐看星星点亮的
就让爱回温
我说再见了陌生人
这一段回程
让所有感觉再沸腾
一个温暖眼神
两个微笑单纯
不必去追问
谁爱谁比较深
我们在爱的过程
回头看是单纯
往前看是诚恳

就让爱回温
再见了陌生人
这一段回程
让所有感觉再沸腾
一个温暖眼神
两个微笑单纯
不必去追问
谁爱谁比较深
我们在爱的过程
回头看是单纯
往前看是诚恳
woh~其实一扇门
oh ohyeh~
开门爱回温

I know wat in ur mind - is it still love or jus a part of past living

It 5am in the morning of Saturday, 7 Oct 2006.

Woke up unvoluntarily. Still feeling tire but jus cant control mind.

Dripping on too tight making my shoulders very heavy n pain.

Run through some songs in my laptop. There are tonnes of heartbreaking songs. So does it matter i am one of the leads?

Sometimes i yearn for him to come back emotionally. Sometimes i feel so tire that it is good to let go.

M not a saint. Despite been hoping he gets the best, still want him back.

Perhap must dig out my heart and see if it is black.

Recently not crying that much. Tear rollin is wept and fought back hard.

Recently been thinking of what will become in future.

Only yesterday someone told me it is ok if i am to be alone for rest of life if i have been through the patches. Self protection is most important.

Recently been trying to develop more activities for myself on top of work.

Gauging the slavery work, if i dun do sth now, i be really a desserted old hag that the world may think i m weirdo in 5 yrs to come.

This serenity now made me feel that it is calmer to not to think of this complex relationship anymore. But how such moment can persist?

过敏也是对你的思念。。。

Day too long, Night too short

This phenomeon has been on going for more than 6 months.

The day he jus changed..

I have not been sleeping till wee hours. Very hard for me to fall asleep but harder for me to wake up in the morning.

Tis is 1.32am now (dun know y the time published out is different) , feeling v tire but jus cant fall asleep.

for so many months, i sleep with tv n laptop on.

i ever only slept at 4am although was very tire.

tmr also a challenge to wake myself up

;(

Left one blog for u

I left a blog entry in friendster's account, meant for my LTA kor kor (he no more work there).

Becos very worry for him.

But cannot disturb him.

And a little hope he will go into friendster and surf abit n happen to see my entry.

Hope he is fine and everything fine now

E new name din get me anywhr

My name was change back in yr 2000 ( i think)

Becos i was in a loss. Having a sweet romance in red of lies and bleak career.

Dun know to thank that friend or not, she introduced a fortune teller to me.

It is breakin me up with all his words still rinign in my mind.

Very scarey.

But that is not the point.

I asked for a change of name to aid me in my career. Turning back, sounded very silly. But when a person with stupidity and lost of hope, everything can be helpful.

So was given many character combination for the desire strokes to aid in career.

I chose tis combination. Din wan a very femine name. This one is good cos it sounded femine but the character is more of a male. Jus like Jovian... unisex.

Not totally bad for a change of name. U know it is like u close a chapter and start another...

Time to use this name again? I need a career change.. but really for a betterment.

Men!

Happen to read this blog from a guy i get to know from MSN. Not that i know him but we chatted abit.

Actually a bit of identity mistake that we started to chat. I thought he was someone i knew back in school. After one short chat, i withdraw conversation from him. Then only recently we chatted again (cant rem who initiated).

So he asked for my friendster address. I always thought he was one of the friendster friends i added! Gosh! haha

Too tire from working hence took a bit of time to go into friendster. Came across his profile and saw he updated his blog.

Then i realised he was divorced. One of the entires mentioned his talk with his ex wife. It hits me again. The wife after divorce waited for him 1.5 yrs, hopin he will ask to patch back. He commented that he wouldnt since he initiated the breakup.

Ya, it is not uncommon to hear that once men decide something, they wont turn back especially on relationship.

True enough.

When i left him, i still will want to keep in touch with him, hoping we can make up. Praying for his well being. Wanting to know how he is. Sneak back to do housework for him or to check if he is ok (without he knowing).

But now when he wants to back off, he is sooo cold. He tried to do sth but can sense his torment becos it is really v uphill task for him to try to do such thing. Once gone will never come back.

I am different. Becos i hope we can be together. I still want to know how he is and hope he gets the best. If really we are through, i still hope to know his whearabout and hear how he is. But i know clearly that it will not happen. When man leave, they leave forever..

你用六个月忘记我们的情缘，我用一生却未必能洗净思念和你的一切

wat become of me when i turn 40?

wonder how should i behave? how do i carry myself? wat tone to use?

will i be retrench? nobody by my side. Struggle life more n more?

life is bleak for ppl like me

Tire Mango Tire Heart Confused Brain

Very tire, so many events and got to wake up early and work till late nite.

Very tire tire tire

Tire Heart whenever i think of us

Confused brain becos i really hope we can talk

Confused y are we stayin together but yet like stranger. Maybe we r like bro n sister.

Disgusting reality

Hurts becos jus saw red. N tmr has to wake up early n have heavy day

But who can i talk to?

I wan to give up everything but yet there are many responsibilities

y y y

haiz, Gemini is really hard to be ............... gotten fight two minds at one time.

maybe one day i jus go to IMH

-Ve side of Gemini is saying: forget mango, forget u, forget him, forget work, forget feelings, forget thoughts

+ve side of Gemini is saying: at least i be having some memories. at least i m still alive n breathing, wan to fight back at work, want to straight thought n move ahead

splitting headahche

3 months trial

So after a few discussion, am put on 3 months trial. Maybe full 90 days or merely some time, depend on fate and decision.

Just want to jot down the days that interactions take place. Although very minimum. But really after so many thoughts it is jus a part i can do - to own the memories. Not keen to look back on memories if fail. However it be good to jot down and forever sealed up that part of life...

Not possible at all actually. Sad n disheartened. Nevertheless at least such chance given.

All documented in one of my laptop.

cant publish much becos i dun wan to aggitate him

for him for him for him

Very Blur

had hard time tryin to log in my blog here :P

haaaaa..

was confused.

Becos i cant rem my blog name.

Somemore too use to get in (old) blog via friendster.

Actually i have another blog one in multiply.com

But din really let alot of ppl know.

Blog is more to jot down my feelings.. appreciate if friends read but not into highly publicise it.

I have few friends but most are really genuine friends. When my mood is down (most of time), they will try to cheer me up

Some read my blog and get worried for me. I feel very touched.

My friends, i have little to offer back. M not a good person (which is y i m to-be discarded) but u r always there to give me support n bear my nonsenses.

Heaven has throw in alot of hardship for me, but also have friends here for me.

Friends are really better than boyfriend, at least in my life :P

Cheerio friends

wa... tat is very new to me

Today there was a dragon boat race at Bedok Reservoir, my GRLs were involved.

Went there very early to cheer them on.

Came back office. Intended to lunch with them but one actually can sound very irritating so i back off.

Went to coffeeshop to get my favourite fishball noodles.

Overheard there were alot of orders before mine. Also saw their jotbook.

However the aunty cooked for me first! was quite surprise because i did not make noise. Suspected she recognise me cos i been eating her stall very frequently.

But some comment of her shock me... she told me i looked like Stephanie Sun..

She said one.. i was shocked.. waaaa

SweetyMangojo

Ok, y did i put that? becos i tried for whole nite with username as merely 'Mangojo' but the system din allow me to do so.. it must have feel that i have to emphasis sweetness ;P

so bear with it, becos 10-20 yrs ago, Mangojo was also young and sweet with many suitors wahhahaha

Mangojo also migrated

to cover her identity becos she has revealed too many things.. may get silence anytime!